Surviving your first family gathering after the 1st term at uni!
So basically, the aim of the game is to not completely and utterly disappoint your entire family and crush your parents dreams of becoming the best neurosurgeon this side of the Atlantic, even though they know you’re doing a degree in drama.
Coming home after your first term at uni for a prolonged period of time isn’t going to be easy.
You’re not the same little Manxie that boarded the ‘Ben’ 3 months ago.
And to make it worse, everyone is going to expect a cultured, academic AF, loafer wearing young adult to stride into that house on Christmas day.
We all know however that for some, the first term in your first year of uni is not about maturing, or learning, or growing, or anything that betters you as a person.
It’s about getting sh!tfaced and pushing your body to the (wrong) limits whilst trying to scrape through the bare minimum of lectures and assignments.
So, you need to learn to lie.
Here are some classic questions you can expect to be bombarded with, and how to respond:
Q. So, what have you learnt so far?
For this answer, we recommended memorising at least some part of the university course prospectus, and maybe some handouts you’ve had from your professors so far. Stay vague though, using key phrases like:
“Well Grandma, we haven’t fully covered the social application of this theory yet so I couldn’t possibly expand any further on this matter”.
Usually, they’re looking for feedback on your academic life; not the fact that you’ve discovered there are supermarkets other than Tesco, fast foods places other than McDonalds and that you can get on a train (an electric one, not even a steam train!) all by yourself like a big brave boy.
Q. What are your dorm mates like?
Don’t let them know one of them has only enrolled in uni as a set up to sell drugs to fellow classmates from their dorm room.
Just say they’re all simple country kids who, like you, are discovering the city for the first time.
Q. How often do you have lectures?
You have five lectures a day every day, including Sundays. No exceptions.
Q. Do you always shake so violently?
Alcohol withdrawal symptoms are often difficult to hide. There is a simple deflection technique however to move the conversation along. Just straight up gush about how happy you are to be home and your shaking with sheer joy and excitement to see everyone and to open all your presents on Christmas morning. Flattery = great success.
Q. Why has your skin developed a slightly yellow hue?
Similar to the above, excessive alcohol consumption, sistered with severe sleep deprivation and mild malnourishment can make you look like you’ve got jaundice. We strongly recommend getting yourself and contour palette and learning how to hide that sh!t up.
There’s going to be at least 12 MUA’s (makeup artists for those that don’t have Instagram) in your dorm so one of them will be able to teach you how to brighten your face up and hide those bags.
Q. Since when do you stay awake until 5 in the morning watching Netflix?
Blame this on study – you just love it so damn much that you stay up all night doing it, and amazingly your professors recommended watching most of the documentaries on Netflix as part of your learning.
Q. What activities do you do when you’re not studying?
This is easy – you deny doing anything BUT study. You don’t have a social life because you live in the library. You haven’t been to any of the local clubs or bars because you like to get a good night’s sleep before lectures. So on and so forth…
Q. But what is this picture of you dressed as a GIMP climbing over a bunch of boys dressed in Baywatch get up?
Social media means no escape… Most of our parents, even some of our GRANDPARENTS, are on there now and are slowly getting a good grasp of what it does.
This means they’re going to see everything. EVERYTHING. So, in these events, we recommend you have a few ‘fake’ club names to hand.
So, for example, you sh!tfaced dressed in latex isn’t a hockey and rugby initiation ceremony, it’s you out with the chess club dressed as chess pieces and you’ve found that latex is a very versatile material to work with.
Q. But <<<insert annoying siblings name>>> said…
Simple – beat the little sh!t up when you’re out of site, and calmly reassure to your parents that they obviously don’t know what they’re talking about because they’re still in secondary school. Amateurs.
So there you have it, get through the first family gathering and pretend that everything’s normal after your 1st term!
Enjoy the Christmas break, do your essays last minute (we didn’t tell you that) and smash 2nd term!