In this crumbling dystopia, we, its doomed inhabitants, find ourselves trapped in a perennial state of vicarious voyeurism: We know we’re all f*cked but we can’t stop watching this $hitshow unfold.
Morning dumps provide us with the perfect opportunity to scroll through our newsfeeds for the latest scandal on Trump, more Middle Eastern turmoil or another cherished celebrity Weinsteining. DISAPPOINTED FACE.
Still, in spite of this, surely the most wretched news story came from Saudi Arabia this week.
After 35 years with no cinema to speak of, the Saudis finally got a taste of the big screen. The film they chose to herald such a prestigious event? The Emoji Movie. PILE OF POO.
Rightly panned as one of the worst flicks ever made, this film seems an ill-advised choice for a country still trying to undo its’ shall we say, Draconian past. I don’t wish to be unkind but the director of this monstrosity could do worse than have their hands chopped off. Sentenced for theft of cinema-goers souls! THUMBS UP.
Then, just when you think things couldn’t get any more hopeless, I became aware of Bernard Matthew’s Turkey Mojis. Yes, they are a real thing. No, you should never consume them.
They are still comprised of discarded vole anus and the tears of Guardian food critics. Is there a more sobering metaphor for humanity than a weeping person consuming a turkey composite sad face? Let’s be thankful there’s no ‘cum face’ emoji, at the very least. GRIMACING FACE.
These are strange times. The strides taken in mental health awareness have been colossal. So much so, the notion of ‘The British Stiff Upper Lip’ is becoming ever more antiquated. We are encouraged to share, to talk about our feelings and to be open with one another. Yet, on the flipside, most of us are encased within this vacuous social media bubble. We have hundreds of friends or followers and we lose ourselves for hours looking at old acquaintances personal family photos, yet dodge that very same person when we bump into them. CONFUSED FACE.
We share more and more of our personal lives with, in some cases, people we don’t even particularly like or, truly know.
Social media’s supposed purpose was to condense this overwhelming world and break down barriers for communication. Yet I suggest that it has had the converse effect, provoking a disconnected world, a hotbed of outrage, injustice, righteous indignation and the loss of people’s attention spans. The left are looking for indignation. The right are looking to antagonise. There is no middle ground in this lawless world.
Pick a side you toothless f*cker. And feel the wrath of the keyboard warriors!
As our sense of disconnect with one another has grown, thankfully, the humble emoji came to rescue us from totes awks convos. HAPPY FACE.
Someone like Trump thrives in this cesspool of information and overstimulation: Fake news. Did social media create him? Is he merely a caricature of himself? Why is there no Trump emoji? Just a piss-coloured quiff atop a tub of lard would suffice. Get on it Emoji Artists! ANGRY FACE.
Emojis are the godsend for the socially awkward human. You may have a resting bitch face or all the cuddly warmth of a cadaver, yet emojis give you the chance to be someone else.
You can be Funtime Larry rather than “Creepy Crotch-Stained Larry” as you’re known in the office! Funtime Larry is so peppy on Whatsapp with his Cat GIFS and flawless use of the emoji keyboard. One day, Funtime Larry masterfully used the Embarrassed Monkey Emoji after we sent him that Xmas party vid of him passed out in his own excrement.
Oh Funtime Larry, What A Guy! CRYING WITH LAUGHTER FACE.
This isn’t just a Millennial thing.
We’ve all witnessed our parents discovering the joys of WhatsApp or Facebook Messenger. Maybe your Uncle Dave sends a mildly amusing GIF of a panda scratching its balls, you see a wry smirk on your Dad’s face flicker for nanoseconds. As you scan the text there will be five ‘CRY WITH LAUGHTER’ faces.
Where’s the ceiling? How many crying with laughter faces is enough? If you witness the funniest moment of your life – in my instance this was seeing a clown deck it in Strand Street, knock over his bucket of change and completely break character as he went on an expletive-ridden tirade against all passers-by – the act of stopping, getting into a different headspace and messaging someone an image to convey that emotion is surely, in some way disingenuous? Unless people are genuinely crying with laughter and I’m dead inside?? Good lord, suddenly it all makes sense…SHOCKED OPEN MOUTHED FACE!
If you’re an old person like me, you’ll recall texting LOL was the first impulse of insincere people pleasing. Maybe, this was the beginning of our natural evolutionary path to inward laughing. Like Mandy Moore’s character in Scrubs. Are we cutting off all external emotion to the point where it internalises within us? Maybe this is a subconscious reaction to the imminent robotic uprising?
When Steve Jobs’ iPhone Terminator Army come – and they will come – we will be ready to blend in. Cold, emotionless, armed with STICKY OUT TONGUE FACE for weaponry.
I foresee a day when funeral eulogies comprise of little more than a gargantuan SAD FACE EMOJI on the screen. Where PINT OF BEER EMOJI is sent in a Whatsapp group when it’s your round with the lads and where lovemaking is interrupted to exchange WINKING FACE or THUMBS UP.
Still, the ginger emoji is coming. And I for one am thankful. MEGALOLZ.