SO! You’re off to uni. HOW EFFIN’ EXCITING.
And whilst this is the start of the most exciting chapter in your young lives…it’s important to remember something: You’re Manx. And therefore, vulnerable.
But do not fret younglings, for Gef is on hand to pass on some tips and life lessons for you cherubs. We picked these up at the school of hard knocks!*
*We never graduated
- Do not engage with strangers. Stranger Danger is a real thing here! So drop the “Alright fella!” lark. Not round these parts. You‘ll get yourself stabbed, yessir.
- Never look an adjacent Isle dog in the eye. One mere glance and you’ll contract rabies.
- Study the Isle of Wight – immerse yourself in its culture, as this is where people will assume you’re from.
- People in the UK are strange beasts and travel in speedy metallic boxes known as “trains”. Anyway, it’s imperative you familiarise yourself with this method of transportation. Do not lick your finger and wave it in the air as that doesn’t work. Just keep your head down and follow everyone else. Eventually, you’ll get to where you need to be.
- Mum was right! Everyone here is to be feared so leave it at least 6 months before conversing with another human. They’ll think you’re aloof and mysterious.
- Remember, every single humanoid you see in the UK is a cold-blooded druggie or murderer. They’ll smell the sweet virginal stench of Manxness flowing through you so wear lots of deodorant. Lynx Africa is still a classic choice regardless of your gender.
- Pick up a uni accent. You need to upgrade that cultivated Manx brogue to fit in. You want to be sounding like you’ve stepped off the set of Made in Chelsea. The beatings you’ll receive from family and friends when you return are inconsequential at this stage. It’s larrrrtay not latte, ok?
- Accept you’ll consume twice as much booze as anyone else due to your Manx tolerance for drink. Embrace it and pick up a cool nickname like “Pisshead Pete” or “Alice the Crippling Alky”.
- Embellish on the fantastical folklore of the Island when regaling your new uni pals with stories of the Man Isle. Tell them fanciful tales of how we believe in fairies, how Burger King is but a mythical dream to us and that we travel by horse! Oh, wait.
- Don’t embarrass yourself when you go to fancy eateries like Nando’s or Gregg’s. Just order the chips, cheese, and gravy and be done with it.
- Befriend a posho and a cardigan-wearing weirdo to make your experience as close to ‘Fresh Meat’ as possible.
- Accept the numb realisation that your uni experience will be nothing like ‘Fresh Meat’ and instead, you’ll have to consider selling your organs for food.
- Never show your friends the food parcels your folks send you. You can’t explain kippers to these people! They eat granola and hummus for f%@k sake!
- Convince your friends that Barry Gibb (REST HIS SOUL) is the patron saint of the Island such is the reverence The Bee Gees have in their homeland.
- Keep your sh!t together when you go to an Odeon cinema. Yeah ok, it’s no Palace but it’ll do.
- Don’t question it when you order a drink and get change back from a tenner. Things are different in this magical land. This is…Wetherspoon’s.
- Keep a Manx £1 note on your person at all times. When the time is right, you’ll know when to use it.
- If you go to a Waitrose wear a turtleneck to fit in. Similarly, if you ever find yourself in Netto, a string vest is always a solid look.
- Pretend you’re a die-hard TT fan for cool points. Wear leather at every opportunity, speak of “cheating death” and how you’re “basically, totally related to Conor Cummins. It’s in the blood”.
- Always carry a coffee with you whenever you turn up for a lecture and always be late. Soon enough, you’ll be thought of as the coolest motherfucker in Halls.
- Finally, the more you protest that the 3 legs of Mann symbol is not a swastika, the more your friends will be convinced you’re a Nazi.