Christmas is great and all but there’s one guy who does his best to ruin the festivities for parents every sodden year. No, not Sir Cliff. The Elf. On. The. Bastarding. Shelf. By now you may have had the misfortune of a week’s worth of Elf hiding, Elf disguising, Elf hi-jinx….and if that is the case, we’ve got your back. Here, for your fiendish enjoyment, are 4 twisted and deeply Manx ways to say Fastyr Mie to the smug git and ensure your shelf remains permanently unoccupied…
Death by Fairy
What’s that Mr Elf? You didn’t greet Mooinjer Veggey as you passed the Fairy Bridge? Oh dear Mr Elf. It would appear that the merciless little people have sacrificed you to the Gods, condemning you to little more than a foggy memory of Christmas past. They rejoice at this blood-thirsty ritual and cackle demonically while watching you burn to nothing more than festive ashes! One must respect the fairies, Mr Elf.
Death by Loaghtan Sheep
Our beloved, delicious and freaky-looking Loaghtan Sheep will happily step up to the cause. Fool the hapless elf into thinking you’re taking the smirking idiot on a sight-seeing tour of Ballacosnahan Farm. Then, when he least suspects it – perhaps when he’s boring the sheep with tales of St Nick – pierce his heart through one of those majestic horns.
Death by Tram
Why not liven up a gleeful tram ride on the Santa Express by tying the cheery irritant to the tram tracks at the summit? Imagine his little face as the Winter Saloon 21 crushes him into oblivion. Or better still, why not acquaint him with Stephen or Phillip at Derby Castle? The equine beasts would have themselves a jolly and delightful Chrimbo snack. Plus: bonus festive horse poo on the Prom!
Death by Laxey Wheel
It may be an outdated and somewhat controversial method of torture but, after everything this little f**ker has demanded of you, it seems only fair to drag his sorry Elvish ass to the Laxey Wheel, grab yourself a light snack and watch the simpering simpleton in a joyous waterboarding to the grave.